When I die…

I’m not afraid of death. The concept of it and everything in between.

It makes me curious what it’s like to not be in your body any longer.

It makes me curious of the sensation of one’s soul as it leaves the host.

By the way, I’m not suicidal. I am writing this blog because death is everywhere at the moment. And it makes me think of the unexpected, sudden deaths these days.

The pandemic has taken over the world and I cannot help but wonder about all the deaths that are happening right now. Of course, it is agonizing to see your loved ones, a family member, a friend, a colleague on their death bed fighting for their dear life.

So, I am writing this in the middle of the night, just in case I die. I would like the people who know me to know that I do accept it wholeheartedly, whether the people around me or even me are prepared for this circumstance or otherwise. I accept death, I accept the after-life, and the spirit life. How does it get any better than that?

When I die, I would like to be remembered as a daughter who tried to be genuinely accepted by her family for who she is today and for who she has become. I would like my family to know, especially my mother, that I did my best to make you all proud through my own way – by being my true self, even if that means going on a different path from how we were raised. If I did anything to offend anyone in the family of this path or choices that I have taken – I sincerely apologize.

When I die, I would like to be remembered as a trusting friend – whom anyone can rely on whenever the need arose. The friend who didn’t sugarcoat her advices just to make you feel better. I would like to be remembered as someone who you can easily talk to and will listen without judgement. Someone who tried her best to tell you the truth even if it’s not the one you would wish to hear.

When I die, I would like my past lovers remember how much I loved them. How much I gave my whole heart into a relationship. I would like them to know that whatever shortcomings I have done, things that I wasn’t able to meet with their expectations, I apologize. Especially to you, my greatest love and my greatest heartache. It’s been a year and being away from you, not talking to you like we used to, made me realize a lot of my shortcomings and why I partly blame myself that you chose something else that doesn’t include me anymore. I’m sorry.

When I die, I would like my body back to ashes, some of it preserved in a resin necklace, so my mom can take some of me with her. I would like him to have it, too. But of course, if he wants it. The rest of it, if permitted, is for the ocean – in Bunker, which had been my comfort place when I was lost and broken. If this isn’t granted, I’ll share the space with gramps.

When I die, I will be with my cat. I will stay with her until the end of her days. We will be one in body and soul. Wherever she goes, I follow. I will live in her and she in me. When you look her in the eyes, you will see me, feel me, sense me, and you can even talk to me. All of these, through her. So, please do take care of her and love her as you have loved me. An answer from me is possible if you want it and this through your dreams. I will choose this life after my life with the living.

When I die, I will do my best to not startle you when I wanted to see you – this goes to my family, my friends and to you, my love. Please do not be afraid of my presence. I might not have my earthly body anymore but do know, that I will still be ME even in spirit.

Communing with me through my cat is possible because I believe and I know that I am an entity with abilities during my earthly days and I will bring it into the spirit life.

So, my question is – WHAT ELSE IS POSSIBLE?

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